


a heart that could be loved

by mm8



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, MayThe4th Treat, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-04-20 08:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14256630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mm8/pseuds/mm8





	a heart that could be loved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alexcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/gifts).



It was the little touches that killed Kanan the most. It was how their fingers brushed when they passed in some of the tighter corridors of  _ Ghost.  _ It was the hug before every mission when both of them held on a little too long. It was...

 

It was unbearable.

 

The Jedi raised him that some forms of attachments were forbidden. Sex was fine, but sex and romantic feelings, no. And Kanan  _ loved _ Hera. More than the Jedi would have approved of. He didn't subscribe to all of the Jedi teachings, but it was always this rule that tripped him up. Kanan knew he didn't want to stop feeling the way he did towards Hera. 

 

Kanan loved her. He just didn't know how to say it out loud. When would it be the right time to say? With the war, the kids, the missions… There was barely a moment to take a deep breath let alone  _ talk _ about feelings.  _ Someday _ , Kanan kept telling himself. Someday when all of this mess was over he'd tell her.

 

* * *

 

 

Kanan turned to leave and return to the base when Bendu spoke again in his booming voice. He said it in a way like he'd forgotten to say it, but had suddenly remembered. "Oh, you should tell her how you truly feel."

 

Kanan spun on his heels and gaped at Bendu. "Wha-- what?" He stumbled. It was useless to deny that he knew what Bendu spoke of. He couldn't hide anything from the creature.

 

"Or don't. It doesn't matter in the end."

 

* * *

 

 

Hera's back was pressed up against his chest, their fingers intertwined over her stomach. He nuzzled her neck and mouthed the the curve between her neck and shoulder. "I love you," Kanan whispered to her in the darkness.

 

The only reply was the squeaking of the mattress and rustling of fabric as Hera rolled off the bed taking some of the covers with her. In the silence he listened as she pulled on her clothing. She hadn't bothered to put on her boots as her feet quietly touched the floor. The bottom of Kanan's heart fell when the hydraulics hissed as the door opened and the night mode lights of the hallway still blinded him.

 

"Hera, I--"

 

She didn't bother glancing back as she step across the threshold and left.

 

It broke him. She broke him in so many ways that he hadn't thought was possible.

 

* * *

 

 

He'd prepared himself for this moment since they had landed on Lothal. Kanan has felt something off about the Force. Everything felt… dark. Not the kind of dark that the Sith utilized… the kind of dark that signalled the end. It was like the brightest of lights that seemed to get dimmer and dimmer as the days wore on.

 

Then the wolves came and led them the way. One called out to him using his birth name. " _ Dume _ ," it repeated over and over. Ezra had mistaken the wolf's speech interpreting it as  _ doom.  _ But what if it hadn't been a mistake after all? What if the wolf was referring to both Kanan  _ and _ impending doom?

 

Then at night he'd dream of flames licking his skin and engulfing him entirely. He dreamed of putting away his mask and cutting his hair. Dreamed of Hera's terrified face. She looked so desperate and helpless as he held her back. Ezra was screaming, pleading for Kanan not to do this. He dreamed of the last thing he'd see again, and that the last thing he'd was her face and it disappearing amongst all of the flames.

 

He had a bad feeling about this.

 

Then came the morning that he heard the voices of the future. Kanan realized then that it wasn't really the Force that was becoming more dark… It was his life. He was practically running towards a dead end.

 

By the time Ezra came up from behind and knelt beside him, Kanan knew he was ready. 


End file.
